My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
