Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
