that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
