Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
