Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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