I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
