i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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