Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
