Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You are a genius and a whore.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
