friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
