sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
