32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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