I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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