Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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