I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
