You made me cry and you don't even care
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i need some magic done to my vagina
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
