Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
