I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize