she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize