Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
