evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
