I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
