i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
