Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
