I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
