I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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