but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
