So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
