We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
