i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
