"it" just moved
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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