I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize