If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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