Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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