Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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