a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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