There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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