At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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