apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
