Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
