guys are not supposed to queef...right?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
