I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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