Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
