He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
