Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize