The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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