I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
