i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
