i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I will pee on everything he values.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
