ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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