A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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