Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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