i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
