On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize