I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
