I think I died a long time ago.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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