i think my mom watched the whole time
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
