Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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