I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
