you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
