I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
this is an emotional support booty call
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
