There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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