So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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