there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
